I was 19 and had only just moved to a new city for University. I knew no one, was terribly homesick and felt completely alienated at work. There was one person who treated me like someone and it was because of him I started to feel accepted within the workplace.
We started texting and became friends quickly; we’d go grab a bite to eat, go see a movie, the usual stuff. And then we became girlfriend/boyfriend for a while.
I was someone who believed in abstinence and I was open with him from the start. He told me he was proud of me and I trusted him, because…why wouldn’t I? After work one night, we went to town with a group of workmates. They didn’t know we were together (I was told by him that work wouldn’t approve). As the night went on, he drove me to his place. The plan was that he’d drop me back at mine in the morning. We had to be quiet, because he flatted with our managers.
The naive 19 year old girl I was, I listened. I was quiet.
We cuddled for a bit on his bed and then he started having sex with me. I told him no. He told me he just wanted to feel my body. I just remember being in pain, I wanted to scream. He put his hand over my mouth and kept going anyway.
There isn’t a lot I choose to remember. I remember crying. I remember wanting to leave…but having no car, no money and no credit on my phone all I could do was wait for it to be over.
I dealt with it by convincing myself he loved me. That he’d be the one. He dumped me two days later through text. Two years later, I found out he’d been dating my flatmate for a year and a half.
I’m too ashamed to admit to anyone it was rape…that it wasn’t consensual. I’m ashamed that there isn’t anything I can possibly attribute to it, apart from my naivety. I wasn’t drunk, or drugged in any way. I was just an innocent teenager who decided to trust.
Three years on, I’m still ashamed.