Jen B

 I have thought pretty long and  hard about posting to this site because I don’t want to be seen as a victim or even worse as weak for not doing anything about it when it happened.  For not going to the police.  For not telling my parents.  For not doing what any good girl would do if this happened to them.

And not that it matters but I was a good girl.  I was a nerd, I was shy and quiet, liked science and hated sports.  Basically I wasn’t the sort of girl that boys flocked after or that got invited to parties.  So when I was away with a friend and an older boy that I thought was pretty cute started talking to me I was pretty happy.  I had only ever kissed one boy (once) before and like many teenage girls had that lingering feeling something was wrong with me.  I liked the attention.  But that doesn’t mean I wanted to have sex with him.  And when I told him no, the fact that I had flirted with him doesn’t mean it was ok for him to hold me down by my neck so I could barely breathe and force himself upon me.  It wasn’t OK for him to leave me with bruises around my neck I had to cover with scarves for almost two weeks and on my inner thighs that stopped me from going swimming for about as long. But worse than the physical, it wasn’t ok for him to teach me that men do not respect women or their wishes or that what I want or how I feel does not matter.

Rape isn’t just just a random guy grabbing someone off the street and in fact usually it isn’t. Usually it is someone the woman knows, often very well.

Part of me thinks I should have screamed, I should have fought more. I should have done a lot of things. But really I honestly don’t believe he would have been convicted and it would have been my life that was ruined more than it already was. It may have been a small thing to him, just a drunken Saturdaynight when he scored with some random girl.  But for me it affected my identity, my self worth and my ability to trust.  I started self harming and developed an eating disorder.  So no, if a girl does not complain it does not mean that she was not hurt.  From my own exprience, it means that she was ashamed.  Ashamed of what she “let” happen and worse still that she did not do more to stop that sick bastard from doing it to someone else.

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