I am a man.
I have experienced abuse physical,emotional and sexual at various points of my life by various partners,family, carers.

My first recollection was at daycare when I was 3.
I had a toy that I loved. A little space man that my dad bought me.
I was playing with it, another boy stole it. I stood up for my self and got it back.
I was taken to a “time out room” tied to the bed by my shoe laces -screaming for my mum. I was drugged and abused sexually.
This carried on for a while . I was “singled out for special lessons/punishment” any time I did well or was slightly naughty .
My mum freaked out when I used to hide in the car, begging her not to make me go.
She asked me why. I told her. I never went to that daycare again.

My dad used to drink. Alot. He would berrate my mum. Telling her how disgusting she was, and that every thing was her fault.

I had to watch. All of 8.. Late at night.  I had thought my dad was the tallest strongest man. I loved him . But then I started hating him.

I was petrified of a vampire. He used to come into my room .
He used to want to suck me.

It was my dad.

He later would get very angry -the day after and yell at me and tell me I was “nothing”and a “little shit” he used to hit me and throw me around my room.

This broke my heart.

We moved. Away from my small town and all my friends.
My dad drank more and more . He would berrate my mum (later on in my mid twenties, my mum told me he would also rape her) .

I was 12 going thru puberty and very lonely with no friends .
He would drag me literally , out of bed ,slapping me and pushing me to the ground . And then abusive me verbally for at least 3 hours everyday before school.

I grew up . Got big and started to push back.
I started doing drugs. Loads-anything and everything to escape. I nearly died due to drugs at 16 . I got into crime .
I was broken.

 More Crime, gangs, violence followed.

I was one of the most feared people in my town at 17. Even by some of the older guys.

My life was in ruins.

I saw a friend get killed in front of me.
I did acid and speed for 3 weeks ,constantly to get over it.

I still havent.

I fell in love she was my world.
I finally had peace. I left the path to oblivion I was on.
things were good.

We got really drunk one night.
I went to sleep.
I woke up to her going down on me.

The icey chill of paralisis took over.
All I could see was the faces of the people in my daycare.
I hated it.
I felt sick and confused.
she got angry cause I wasnt erect.
telling me all sorts of nasty things.

I didnt say anything for a few days.

When I finally did she ignored me.

She would then later use it against me in arguments.
 She would also try to coerce me into letting her place her fingers in my anus. And at times would force them in or try too.
she would somtimes be verbally abusive whilst we were having sex. And hold my head and upper body down and tell me how I was “fucked in the head ,and would never get any one better than her”

After a year and a half ,and me walking in to our flat whilst she was having sex with another guy.

We broke up.
I was destroyed. I loved her.

I cried for a week.

She came to my parents house one day not long after. I was glad to see her.

She sat down .and started telling me that I looked ugly. And should cut my hair.
I didnt want to. She started to be very insistent. Telling me if I did we would get back together.
I didnt want to cut my hair.

She started to touch her self and tell me I would never be with her again . Unless I cut my hair.

so I did.

She left town the very next day.

I had a breakdown. I didnt sleep for 3 weeks.
I tried to kill my self .

All this happened by my 18th bday.

I was in a million bits.
I couldnt talk to anyone. Men dont. So I drank and did drugs. Until my early 30s . All the while saying nothing.

Thankfully .  I decided to say somthing when I did.

Since I did. Im free!

I am a survivor!