I was talking to a man outside my apartment building for a few minutes. He invited me to walk around the city with him that night and I said no. I felt safe talking to him outside the door. There were lots of people around, security guard nearby. I didn’t feel safe walking around the city at night with him. I didn’t know him, he was 6 foot 5 and easily 2 or 3 times my size (and I’m 6’1″). He kept asking. I felt a need to be polite, so kept refusing without saying hell no, I don’t feel safe with you. I don’t trust you. I left. A few days later I ran into him at lunch and he invited me to walk around the city that night with him. Again I had to keep saying no.
My instinct was right – if you keep ignoring my “no”‘s in a social setting, you’re more likely to ignore them in an intimate sexual situation. You’re not thinking about what I want, or my safety or listening to me. No means no.
In my dance class, which is partner dancing, most of the guys are great. We dance with them all in class. One guy though, in his 40s is regularly staring at my chest while we dance. Hello. I’m a human, not a pair of breasts. Your so blatant and do this all the time. I don’t know how to react. If I refuse to dance with you in class, it’ll make a scene and everyone will see. People will find out, and somehow I’ll feel embarrassed because of your behaviour. Other people will be talking about my chest – “oh he (you) keep staring at her (my) chest.”
I left the apartment and stayed with a friend until I found a flat. She lived with her partner of 3 years and 3 other guys. I fluked it and moved into the flat downstairs. We shared a laundry with the upstairs flat. I was out meeting new people. I started getting texts from someone, being flirty. Said they were my secret admirer. Ok, I’ll go along with it. Could be a friend being silly, could be that new guy I liked. They then started asking me about sex. I ignored the questions. I know you’re not a friend, but maybe your someone I’ve met recently. I don’t know how to react. They persist. I start asking who they are. Turns out it is my friend’s partner. I’m shocked and really uncomfortable. He’s my friend’s partner, I barely know him and we did not hang out while I stayed in his flat.
Over the next couple of weeks he kept texting and calling. He just wants to catch up, just the 2 of us, and don’t tell his gf coz she might get upset. What? That sounds like more than platonic friends. He still claims to be my secret admirer. Another time he’s really stressed and upset and going through something and just needs someone to talk to. I barely know you. You have a gf, you have friends and family, there’s no reason you need to turn to very-caring-me for talking and comfort. Don’t try to abuse my caring nature. He wanted to catch up with me just for 2 moments at 1am. He then tries to guilt and manipulate me further by being really upset I’m avoiding him and just wants to know I’m okay. He’s previously been creepy with my flatmate. While playing with her toddler he asked her to drive him to kinky places around town sometime. He says she leaves condoms lying around everywhere. She doesn’t. She’s got the message across to leave her and her family alone. While I’m having problems with him, she can’t sleep one night and does the laundry at 4am. He comes in wearing nothing but boxers and just watches her. Oh and when I was staying in the upstairs flat with him, he knew I was a mess and in counselling for rape, making him pushing me to talk about sex even worse. Things that stuck out while staying in his flat before this texting stuff. He yanked me into a hug that made me really uncomfortable, and I’m a huggy person. And another night he and my friend had a big fight and he wanted to go for a drink with me afterwards. I didn’t want to get involved in their relationship problems, so refused. He kept pushing and then said he would never do anything for me again if I refused. Fortunately I didn’t care enough about my aquaintance with him to give in. It wasn’t in a joking/pouting way. He meant it. Some decent guys I’ve told this to defend his actions. Yes there are socially awkward guys, sexually inexperienced ones or even friends who say sexual stuff that makes me or others uncomfortable. The difference is when I ask them to stop or say I’m uncomfortable, they do. And he did not fit any of those categories anyway. It was a lot of repeating the message to leave me alone before he stopped. An angry fuck off when I answered his call didn’t work. But saying “You’re contact is unwelcome. Don’t contact me again” and then ignoring him did work. He has tried to get in touch again a couple of times since. Calling from a different number. Just one or 2 texts and months apart. His number is now blocked.