Tilly

As a 6 year old – you should be able to look to a family member and know and feel safe. For 6 long horrid terrifying years my uncle (mothers brother) molested, tortured and violated me. He would threaten to hurt my mother and my pets – even going as far as torturing birds in front of me to prove he can hurt. 6 years. I hated myself. My childhood was taken away from me.

As a teen, I hid. But when I was 19 I dated for the first time, and my boyfriend of that time, would pressure me for sex. At first he was actually considerate. He would actually state – when you are ready. Until the NO would get too much. One day at his house, while his mother was in the other room, he held his hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming. I was bruised, ripped and bleeding when I left that house. The following day – he rang me and said – all grown up now – if you speak out – I will hurt you and your family. I was 19.

4 years later – and in a different country (mainly to escape the horror I had left behind) – I met a guy and again, they would seem so trusting at first, as soon as I let my guard down. It all changed. First I was beaten (because I didn’t look at him properly while he was speaking) then I was raped – repeatably – because I deserved to pay for being ‘pretty’ and or ‘white or I spoke, did or breathed the wrong way. I certainly didn’t feel pretty – in fact since childhood I have felt ugly, and worthless. My life meant nothing to me. Because of those I let in, because over a period of time I thought I could trust someone. I paid for it. I ended up attempting suicide (and very nearly successful).

Today I read, hear and see NOTHING is done in so many cases. I went to the police – and every time, I was told I had deserved it, or I had brought it on myself. Even with my uncle – I was basically told – it was so long ago – how can you truly remember. I had one police officer say, no one call really trust a child’s statement. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Every bruise, bleeding and broken bone. I remember when I was left in the gutter – because I was too ‘white’ and ‘pretty’ so therefore I deserved to be treated like scum.

But despite it all – I am a survivor. I live to tell my tale. Lucky? not when I relive it. But lucky to hopefully help, aid and inspire another – you are NOT your abuser. You have a choice to live the way you wish. Do not allow another lowlife disrespecting person to dull your life with their violence.

Seek help, support and compassion from those who will just simply listen. Surround yourself with things you love to do, and those to share with.
You are not alone. Ever.
Majority of stories are never heard.
Let us give a voice to those who cannot.

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