Roo

I have suffered sexual abuse at almost every point in my 21 years. Some are incredibly strange stories that I struggle to tell for fear of being outright called a liar, some I have even said I lied about because being shunned as a liar was easier than telling my family who they had let into my life. I know it would hurt them far too much and it was already too late, the men had left the country a long time before. I have had psychopathic boyfriends who put me on show, been drugged and raped with my “best friend” knowing and helping set it up as revenge for her new boyfriend who was my x and his friends and their father. Had a stalker for years who every day and night would make me take humiliating photos of myself and phone sex him or he would call my parents (who were volitile and abusive) and say I was sleeping around which was too scary for me at the time. I had older men rape me in hotels, at their houses with their flatmates not noticing that their 30year old house mate was with a 15 year old, teens rape me in parks, I’ve been threatened and used and I feel so pathetic  and completely worthless. I am not “hot”. I am tall and chubby, outgoing, alternative, and was quite a tomboy, was always bullied for being fat and ugly. I wore baggy jeans and baggy t shirts for most of my life (not that the way I dressed matters at all!)  So why was I used so so so much?! Why has this kept happening my whole life?! Its non stop! It never happened when I was drinking, I was always sober unless they drugged me. … Has anyone else been through this much? My mental health is crumbling, I can’t have sex with my partner because I see all of their faces, I have flashbacks that have me spewing and collapsing, I am suffering nervous breakdowns. I am struggling to get the right amount of support from mental health services. I don’t know how to deal with this all? Is there anybody out there who has been treated like meat their whole life and been groomed and brainwashed to believe its all they are worth? Because thats how I feel… All my dreams, as modest as they are ( a happy family ) seem impossible… I have considered prostitution as my only option and the only line of work fitting for me… I can’t work at all, haven’t for years. I’m so bad. This is just the tip of the iceberg too… I don’t think its possible to feel any smaller. . . I have never been able to say all this, but thank you for giving me a space where I can. It really weighs me down, not being able to let it all out. I can’t deal with this all, I haven’t been able to get over a single incident and they are all getting in my face constantly now, destroying my life.. I am incredibly suicidal… Can somebody help me?

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