Way before I came to these shores in the 80’s rape was not something I wrote about ( even though I have been a writer a long time ), let alone talked about, ( even though I am a confident and natural communicator too). It was also a subject I avoided reading about whenever possible or seeing without covering my eyes ( in films or plays because that is how I learnt to detach.
 If you don’t allow yourself to connect or re-connect with something to my mind you can almost pretend it never happened ..
I will connect now however, because back then I was still acting like a victim ( not how many would perceive me today) but also because now I realise and wish to acknowledge I was, and very much am a survivor.
The first person who tried to rape me, but assaulted and molested instead as he was thwarted by interruptions, was  humiliating and frightening because he was an authority figure, beyond reproach. I was a child.
 No-one would ever have believed me at the time..
I sensed that and never told.His words against mine. I hated him and used to tremble as soon as I saw him..
 He is long dead.. The memory of his fumblings and proddings doesn’t die though not even this many decades later as old  memories resurface, disturbed again by current events recently..
The second man who actually succeeded was a Dj almost 8 years later, who said I deserved it.
It was our second date..
He was 26, I was 18
I was also a tease apparently..
I wanted it he said. I owed it after an expensive evening out!
I cried all night and had  to seek medical help because he had been so rough.
I stopped eating again shortly after.. I didnt really start again til I had been hospitalised for anorexia at 5and a half stone..
I thought if I could get small enough people wouldn’t be able to hurt me like that again.. I was wrong But that is another story and doesnt involve rape although it was a travesty of police and justice!
I dont believe rape is about sex. It is about the misuse of power and the abuse comes in a sexual form rather than physical beatings or the verbal dehumanisation or degradation rapists use to feel powerful over those they wish to subjugate.
I also do not believe in the very euphemistic but misplaced concept of a ‘rape culture’  To my mind there is ‘rape’ and there is culture..
The two are quite disaparate..
There is endemic acceptance in NZ fron the top down that there are varying degrees of rape?
 There seems to be an acceptance that one form of rape differs from another in many sectors of our society.
That adult male on female rape is worse or different from male on male, or female on male..There also seems to much confusion about what is  informed consent, what is rape of a minor and what is underage experimental sex that is still illegal but endemic in western societies and others too of late.
There’s also rising tide of what I call blame gaming across the board..
No-one ‘asks’ to be ‘raped’ other than in cinematic or real-life sexual erotica scenarios which I believe are to be treated with the same skepticism as other S&M  type roleplaying where boundaries are defined and adhered to if they don’t go to plan.
The Julian Assange case a classic polarising example
. I personally cant thing of much worse excuses for awful human perceptions and assumptions about behaviour than ones I have read of late that, prostitutes can’t be raped because they sell their bodies for a living. That young girls are  ‘up for it’ because they may have  experimented early or dress ‘inappropriately’ and boys/males can’t help themselves. Or as bad to me at least that in any corrections/ prison system, rape is an expected or deserved part of  punishment..
Thankyou for reading. Hopefully my bad dreams may dim again soon..
Kia kaha to all the other survivors..
#Iamsomeonenz #Iamarapesurvivor