I was only 9 when it happened.

I went over to my friends house with my new DVD to watch it with him. His parents came and watched it in the TV room with us. The movie had almost finished and my friend decided to go outside with his mum, and i was left alone with his father. He was telling me how great i was, telling me how pretty i was, telling me how good i was around his son. “come here” he said and i got up. He waved me over. He kissed me. “was that good?” he asked. i was terrified, telling myself to run, telling myself to scream or hit him. but i just nodded my head, in hope he wouldn’t do anything else. He kissed me again.  I just stood there. Then his hands pulled me closer, i was trying to scream, but i couldn’t, i was frozen. All i could think was punch him, kick him, scratch him, do something, don’t just stand there. His hands went down my pants. I started crying, silently sobbing. He was touching me. I didn’t like it. I kept crying. I couldn’t understand why i couldn’t move. He kissed me again, his hands still in my pants. The movie finished. I finally spoke up. “I better go check on Lawrence” and i walked out of there so fast. I went outside, i was hiding my face and the tears and told him i had to go home. i ran home, as fast as i could. I didn’t tell my mum. i told her everything was fine. And then i went up to my room and cried, cried until i fell asleep.

I stayed away from their house for 3 weeks. i ignored my friends phone calls and knocks at the door. but, i missed my friend. so me, him and my other male friend next door, went to his house for a sleep over. I was scared. But i had to act like i was fine, like nothing happened. We each slept on one couch each. When the boys were almost asleep, my friends father came in, he smelt of alcohol and he was laughing. He came over to. He unzipped the end of my sleeping bag, and started laughing. His hands started creeping up my sleeping bag. He touched me. But, this time i started kicking his hands away. It was dark so no one could have known what was happening. He kept laughing and calling me words like ‘feisty’ and ‘playful’. He finally left. I woke up the boys and suggested we move all the couches together and sleep on them, and that i could go in the middle. i was trying to protect myself. we put the couches together and i quickly jumped in the middle. we laughed for a couple of hours telling each other stories and talking about pokemon cards and they would ask me how many fights i got into at school this week. One of my friends fell alseep so me and the other boy, we decided to go to sleep to. I couldn’t sleep though. I was scared what would happen if i slept. And then someone came down the steps. His father. He turned the light on and old me to be quiet. He went to the bathroom. and then he came over to me. He tickled my feet. I kept kicking him. Hi hands traveled up my legs. I kept kicking him. I wanted to scream, but i kept telling myself that i must’ve done something to upset him or i had done something wrong. He started touching me again. I kept kicking. He finally stopped. He didn’t move. I pulled my legs up in my sleeping bag and closed my eyes. He watched me. Then i felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes. I felt his breath on my neck. “come with me, you can come with me” i sob escaped me. my heart beat rising. his hand started to travel down me shirt. i slapped him. he laughed. his hand kept moving. i kept slapping him. he kept laughing. after about 5 minutes of me trying to get him to leave me alone. he finally leaves. i sit there watching him, making sure he leaves. he does. i finally fall asleep.

i never told anyone what happened. in fact it took me 3 years to finally tell someone. when i told my mum what happened, it was the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life. i was crying, my mum was holding me on the floor and rocking me back and forth. i was only 11.

At the moment i am 14 years old. i thought this year i could try and get some help. the event that triggered my sudden need for help is when the abuser tried to contact me on facebook just over 4 months ago. i hope my story helps anyone who has gone through something very similar to me. because just writing this out, has helped lift even the slightest bit of weight off my shoulders. and, i will admit that, over this past year i have turned to self harm because of this event and bullying.