I was born with a lot of medical abnormalities, including in the genital area.

As a kid, I often had an uncomfortable feeling that I expected someone to sneak up on me and stick something like a cricket wicket or broom handle up my bum. To the best of my knowledge, this had never actually happened, but I still felt more relaxed if I felt I had done what I could to prevent this happening. Recently, my Mum told me that in the first two weeks of my life, she had to stick a dildo up my anus twice a day to stretch it and stop it from closing up.

I was a naughty child, in that I was uncooperative with doctors. Particularly when they were doing fiddly things with my genitals (eg. Sticking things in or pulling out stitches), I couldn’t bring myself to stop wriggling, and sometimes I would scream out. I was made to feel that I was naughty because I wouldn’t co-operate. I have a memory from when I was 8 of being given a lollipop, and then treying desperately to scream but being unable to because of the lollipop in my mouth (I couldn’t take it out, because my hands were held down to stop me wriggling).

I don’t want to accuse anyone of sexually abusing me, because this was all done for medical reasons, but I have been struck by the similarity between my experiences and descriptions of sexual abuse. I also think, looking back, that I should not have felt so dirty and naughty for the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to co-operate.