Anonymous

 I was 18, never been kissed. Severely depressed and suicidal with no self esteem. Drinking at my best friends boyfriends house with her, her boyfriend and his flatmate. I got wasted, cried and talked about killing myself then passed out in the bathroom. I woke up naked in his bed. He said to me “you’re in my bed, what do you expect?” and started kissing me. I felt like I was nothing. I was the most worthless thing in the world. I wasn’t even a human being. He went down on me and laughed at me for not shaving in a while. Then he fingered me and put his penis in me until I bled. Then went to sleep. I tried to sleep. The next morning I went to the bathroom and had a panic attack and didn’t come out for an hour. He made me breakfast and laughed at me having taken so long  ‘cleaning up’. When my best friend woke up I made her take me home. I didn’t tell her anything. The next day I caught up with her and she was mad at me for not telling her I had slept with him. He had talked about how I had LOVED it. I told her I didn’t want it and didn’t like it. She said I just didn’t understand sex, or relationships. I lost several friends because I would not go back to that house and drink without a ride home. I was bullied on facebook, by my so called friends posting about me, telling everyone that I has falsely claimed I was raped. Asking if my mother knew about my ‘so-called rape’. I was told I was ruining my family by not being friends with them anymore, for not taking back what I said and being a drama queen, because the world didn’t revolve around me. I did not give in to the pressure they put me under to say that it was consensual. I did however not go to the police, because I didn’t want his children to grow up knowing what he did. I found out three months later he had done it again. I have been dealing with the effects of this for five years. I do not trust men anymore. I do not trust many of the friends I have now.  I blame myself for ruining the friendships. I blame myself for that girls rape. I still feel worthless. I feel as if no one will ever be able to love me now. Men will only want my body, and no one will accept my feelings as meaningful or truthful.

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