I am lucky. I have never been violently raped. So many close to me have. I remember being pulled into a truck outside the pub when I was a little girl. I don’t remember anything else. My dad used to rape Mum. I would hear her saying no,no stop it, and the disgusting things he said back. I saw him grab other women at parties. I thought it was normal. I used to listen to the men laughing about the stupid bitch who tried to say no after being a cock tease. They told me not to be a cock tease. then I would be asking for it.
I was always very careful not to dress provocatively as an adolescent or teenager. My Mum had told me what happened to her when she was a girl, I wasn’t going to let it happen to me.
My friends would talk of being raped, especially the ones with families in gangs. I knew about stupid chicks being put on the block from a young age. It was their fault, for dressing like skanks, is what women said.
I was horrified at high school when I went to a party with some girls from a protected upbringing, and they were running down a street in Black Power territory at night. I tried to get them to come inside. The way I grew up, girls doing that were asking for it. I thought that was true. those girls just laughed at me. But I got an adult to get them inside.
When I was 17 I was at a party at a very old friends house. I trusted them, because the people there mostly knew my family, they wouldn’t mess with them. I drank because I trusted them. I always made sure  cover up and dress ugly, but that didn’t stop a guy deciding that I would do. I ran upstairs to where a “safe”man was. he got rid of the other guy. I was falling asleep later in the lounge when the door opened and a bunch of strange men came in. They said lets rape that chick. Luckily the safe man saved me. I never told anyone because it was my fault for putting myself in that position.
I hate how at clubs men used to just grab me from behind. I took it on myself to be the sober one at clubs, and men would get really angry when I stopped them from getting my friends on their own. One said, oh are you the sober one aye? I looked him hard in the eye and said yes, I am looking after my friends. he left. My drink was spiked once that I know of. I had one small drink and collapsed. I couldn’t walk. everyone was laughing or looking at me in disgust. My friend  yelled at them, and protected me, and her brother carried me to a taxi and my friend took me home. No chicks I know will go out without a group of men we trust to guard us now.
men can’t be trusted. My ex used to say,  Iknow no means yes. I had to let him, because I remembered my mum, and what friends had told me, that it hurts more if you fight. Another guy said he wanted a cuddle. I did kiss him. I didn’t want to have sex. He did it anyway. I had my period. I was wearing a tampon. he did it anyway. He wasn’t a bad guy. I still feel like it was my fault because I was in bed with him. But if it happened to my daughters…..
My childrens father would use sex as a trading tool to see my kids. I felt so dirty, but I wanted him to see them. His family all thought that he was such a lovely guy.
I always used to think that chicks that dressed like skanks, or who went into bad situations knew what the deal was, that they shouldn’t complain if they got raped. Because I grew up in NZ, where the men in my family, and community, saw two types of female. the ones for family, who should keep themselves safe. and the ones who advertise, who are for using. I was given a knife by a family member when I was young, to keep with me, because he knew what men were like.  I kept it with me for a long time, and believe it kept me safe.
And people say why didn’t you say no? Because so many of us were taught from childhood that if we are raped it is our fault for not protecting ourselves, for not dressing to show that we are family women, not for using. And now that I have daughters I am so scared for them all the time.