I told my boyfriend of four years that I learnt in my new feminist group that i could ask him to stop having sex with me if it hurt or i didn’t want to do it at the time. He said “thats strange, i’ve never heard anyone say anything like that”. We had sex later that night, him on top. We starting arguing during sex, we argued a lot. I started to cry and asked him to please stop, I didn’t want to continue. He called me names, held me down and continued for 5 minutes until he came, while i was squirming and crying. We were together for another two years. This happened more times. He told me I was worthless and no one would love me apart from him.
I was drunk, like super drunk with friends. Ending up meeting new friends and all heading back to continue binge drinking at my house. Blacked out. Woke up with some guy fucking me that i’d met before, couldn’t move or speak. Blacked out, woke up and he was hugging me and asked if I wanted more of what I never agreed to to begin with.
For years I thought this is how sex with men was. I am only starting to regain my confidence and sense of self and begining to explore my sexuality on my terms.