I am a really angry person. I can be sweetness and light on the outside. Internally- I am a bomb, waiting to go off- BOOM. This anger comes across as anxiety- but it’s not- it’s anger. I am so frustrated.
My grandfather used to sit me on his knee. Sometimes in front of family members, sometimes not. He used to put his hands over my eyes. I would go quiet. You are my baby he said. I would stay still and quiet. I did not like this game. But this is granddad and with him you just be quiet. He would rub my shoulders and my arms. No-one would say anything. He’s just cuddling his granddaughter- that’s what it looks like on the outside. But I’m feeling angry on the inside- trapped with no words to describe what is happening to me. He likes this touching. I don’t like it. I feel like I “let him” touch me like this as a child, and it happened again as an adult. There is something sexual about it- but I can’t articulate this until after he is dead. Now I can’t confront him. I carry my anger around. I am a bomb, waiting to go off.
I listen to my Mum being put down for over a decade by my stepfather. I feel powerless to do anything about it. The anger and the shame eat away at me. I want to explode with rage at him for hurting our family- I don’t see him anymore. He is dead to me.
I leave home too young. I mess with drugs and alcohol. I end up on a psych ward with a diagnosis. I am scared my anger will kill me- I hurt myself- I think I want to die sometimes. I wind up in harms way with sex a number of times because I am vulnerable and don’t have a an understanding about what good sex is supposed to be about. I can’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t trust people easily and I can’t look people in the eye when I am mad- I am ashamed.
Then I get a job and I get well. I have a great husband and I improve myself. I go to therapy and I try to talk about it all- but it’s hard to say out loud what I’m so angry about. Sometimes I don’t even know. Then I come across this campaign and I think to myself- yeah I am someone. I’m not invisible. These things- they happened to me and I am well. I have a lot. Sometimes I still feel like a bomb. Sometimes I still go off. But it’s ok- it’s part of it I guess.