I was barely 17 and living in the city in a lodge with about ten other men. I was the only female who actually showed her face in the lodge and made some really great friends there . One night, all of us were sitting around watching movies and just chatting, one of the guys brought out some port which encouraged the other guys to bring out wine, cider, bourbon, all sorts!
I had barely had a drop of alcohol my entire life! I was a goody good throughout my time at high school so wasn’t really involved with partying. So that night, thinking that being surrounded by my friends, drinking would be ok. I decided to try each drink in turn. The guy who had brought out the port kept filling my glass and refilling it. It got to the point where I could barely see! My closest friend asked if I was ok and mr. Port answered for me. “She’s all goods” “only slightly tipsy” so my friend went to bed. Leaving me alone. With mr. Port. I don’t even remember much else except waking up the next morning reeking of sex.
I don’t remember consenting and I don’t remember saying no. But I do remember how drunk I was. I do remember mr. Port having to carry me to my room. And waking up sore. And I do remember waking up with him next me. Like it was ok. My personal space! My private sacred space was tainted.
I probably stood in the shower for two hours that day. The water was freezing but I couldn’t feel it and I just wanted his smell off me! Eventually my friend cottoned on that I wasn’t ok and we hung out in his room and I just cried. I felt dirty and disgusting and ridiculous. For months after that I drank a lot. A lot!
I am now completely teetotal. I don’t touch alcohol or drugs. and I hate sex, with anyone. I hate the idea of it and the feel of it but you know what I hate the most? The smell. The smell is the worst . Cause it takes me right back to that morning . I am seeing a counsellor to work through everything.
It’s taken me two full years to realise that I’m not as strong as I thought I am, and I am only now seeking help. I still to this day don’t know if we had sex. But by the soreness I experienced after, I know that something happened. I used to say to myself that he was drunk too. That he probably didn’t realise either. I know I often get flirtatious when drunk and I thought he may have had the wrong idea. But he was the one filling my glass, knowing how little experience I had with alcohol ! He knew very well what he was doing.
I’m not warning other girls about the dangers of drinking. I don’t ever want to be the mother preacher. But until we live in a society where a girl or a woman can feel secure, more education is needed directed at both genders about rape and the things that seem to go with it.
The victims of rape do not cause rape. Rapists cause rape.